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Talking So Children Will Listen

1. Be Brief: A good rule of thumb is to state what is most important in the first sentence. if you use a paragraph to say something, try a sentence instead. If you say it in a sentence, try saying it with a word. And if you find yourself saying the same thing again and again, try another strategy!

2. Be specific: Saying "Be good," "Be nice," is not enough information for children. Even saying "Get ready for dinner," may not be enough. Saying, "Dinner's almost ready. Turn off the TV, please and wash your hands," is better.

3. Describe the Situation: Giving an account of what the problem is in a clear, simple and neutral manner helps children and teens focus on what needs to get done rather than on defending themselves. For example, instead of "You didn't take out the trash," try, "The garbage truck is coming this morning, and our cans are not by the curb." Or instead of "Why are you late every morning?" try, "The bus will be here within ten minutes."

4. Provide Information: State the facts so that children can make responsible decisions. For example, "Milk turns sour when not refrigerated," or, "The house gets cold when the front door is left open." Children experience this strategy as an expression of confidence in them.

5. Issue Gentle Reminders: Parents need to remind children of their expectations many times. We never expect children to learn math or reading without repetition. Learning appropriate behavior is no different. "Dirty clothes belong in the hamper." "Muddy shoes stay outside." "Pick up your lunch on the way out the door." After a while, a single word may be all that is needed: "Clothes." "Shoes." "Lunch."

6. Use "When and then" Instead of "If, Then": Sentences that begin with "if" are often the beginning of a threat. "If you don't pick up your toys, we can't read a story." Using "when/then" or "as soon as" presents matters more positively and offers a reward. "When you pick up your toys, then we can read a story."

7. Use I, Not You Phrases: Statements that start with "I" allow parents to express their own needs without making children feel defensive. They subtly shift the emphasis from the child to the behavior a parent wants to change. Saying, "I don't like it when the toys are not picked up. I step on them." is more likely to cause action than, "You always make big messes. you didn't pick up your toys again."

~William & Martha Sears say the golden rule of communication is to "Talk to your children the way you want them to talk to others."