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resourcesWhen Your Angry Child Won't go with the Other Parent Kids get angry with their parents. It's inevitable--a part of normal life. Following a divorce, kids of any age can be frustrated, hurt, confused, and disoriented. They often call attention to their plight by "acting out" in various ways. They may do things that force their parents to deal with each other. Most of their motives are unconscious, but their behaviors nevertheless have great impact on their parents. While the marriage was intact, a child's anger with one parent might lead to a sympathetic ear followed by healing mediation attempts on the part of the other parent. After a divorce however, the same sort of event can lead to alignment with the child's anger, accusations, and denial of visitation on the part of the listening parent. The wounds inflicted by the breakup of the intimate relationship are reason enough for such reactions. Most parents have to work hard to challenge such responses in themselves, knowing that their children will suffer if they do not. Despite what parents are feeling, their children need to have rich involvement in both of their lives. Most of the time, angry children of divorce are upset about the discipline the other parent imposes. It's okay to let your child know that you prefer to discipline in different ways as long as you are also firm that they must follow the rules of the other house. Help your child problem solve about the best ways to deal with those rules. Support and empathize, but do not rescue your child from dealing with their other parent. If anything the other parent does seems abusive/illegal, contact the appropriate authorities--otherwise support the other parent as you want to be supported. Most people take sides when a couple splits. It usually doesn't help anyone much, but it happens anyway. For the sake of their emotional well-being, kids cannot afford to take sides--but sometimes it appears they wish to. Children sometimes announce that they want to cut off all contact with a parent. They decide they will go on with their lives without a father/mother. Sometimes they have strongly felt moral reasons for their conclusion; perhaps the other parent was adulterous or committed a crime. In many cases, a child may express the anger and rage that a more passive and victimized parent is unable to express. The parent with whom a kid sides may feel vindicated--even overjoyed. But to act on such feelings would be crippling to the young person's development. If the child is "supported" by blocking the other parent's access, the child will eventually regret such a decision and will finally resent anyone who helped make and enforce it. Whatever relief and control such a rejection affords in the present is more than compensated by the regret and intimacy problems a child is likely to suffer in the future. Issues with parents must be "worked through" if children are to grow strong emotionally. Kids cannot simply reject even truly inadequate parents without serious consequences. A child who wants to dismiss a parent needs help in expressing feelings and needs. The supportive parent encourages an angry child to talk out feelings and problem--solve solutions much as that parent would in an intact family. Counselors should be utilized when these talks are not enough. Finally, angry children need to talk with the other parent. When they are ready, perhaps when they have benefited enough from counseling and coaching, they may finally express their disappointments and needs directly to the other parent. Tip Sheet by Paul Courteau, Ph.D. Copying Permitted. Click here to download a PDF (printable) version of this tip sheet.
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